A 40 year-old mother of two living with her sons in Morristown, TN.

Interviewer: Okay. Onto the first question, and this is in regards to household support. How do you maintain your household on a day-to-day basis? We are asking you to describe the resources you use to make the household run, and how you supervise your children, including any assistance from outside your circle of family and friends.

Author: Uh, well, I receive, uh, of course, child support, in addition to the Families First [Tennessee’s welfare program], but it is still extremely important that I have things such as coupons, and use grocery store chain specials. Uh, I no longer use name brand products. I get the store brands. Um, um, basically, I don’t have a set way of paying my bills. I pretty much pray I have the money when they, [the bills] come, and pray a lot about it. Uh, my family and my friends help quite a bit. Uh, I’ve always called them my safety net, and I think sometimes that they’ve taken it away a little too fast, but they still do help out on occasion, much less than they used to have to. Um, the children and I, I personally have Attention Deficit Disorder, as does my oldest son, Christopher. And such we are both medicated, but we still, uh, are aggravated at ourselves all the time. And therefore, you know, without thinking sometimes subconsciously taking it out on others. He [Christopher] seems to, to me, to pester his little brother, you know, to death. But, anyway, I’ll explain to them that the noise, and you know. In other words, I’ll say, if it’s not a word, then don’t say it. Um, these noises, uh, loud, sudden noises scare me, and I can’t stand listening to three or four more things, three or four things at once without getting, you know, without my brain saying, 'You’ve got to get out of here. This is chaos.' Uh, and I’ll explain that to my kids that the reason I take off, you know, and I leave myself in the room is because I can’t take the noise, and you guys knows it. Um, um, I’ve also figured out that since I am getting child support and Families First, and I’m still having problems. But if I am able some day to go back to work without feeling like I’m going to let somebody down because I can’t handle stress, then, um, uh, it still is not going to make me any money because I have to pay for daycare, which runs probably, I think it was the last time I checked $85 a week per child.

Interviewer: Okay.

Author: Uh, so it’s—the, the two years—it’s gone up and down as far as, you know, how my children and I interact [as it does with] my ups and downs, Christopher’s ups and downs, and of course, the baby, Alex’s, ups and downs. Uh, I know that my children love me and they know that I love them. Although sometimes they say that they hate me, which kills me, but I don’t show it, if I can help it. Um, but it’s an emotional up and down.

Interviewer: Okay. On a daily basis, how much time would you say that you have to supervise your children?

Author: Uh, in the morning, I get them up around six, they get on the bus at seven, and then in the afternoon when they get off the bus around four, and they go to bed around 8:30. So, approximately five hours a day.

Interviewer: Uh, okay. And are there any other resources that, uh, that can help you in parenting your children?

Author: Other than my family and friends, I don’t believe so. No.

Interviewer: Okay. And can you describe what kind of help you get from your family and friends, as far as, um, in helping you parenting or in helping you supervise your children?

Author: Oh, well, I’m forever calling my mother and saying, 'You know what he did?' and she’ll say, 'You did the same thing.' And I’ll say, 'There’s no way I could have done that!' You know, but she says you pay for your raising after you have kids. Uh, um, so I get a lot of advice from her. And bless her heart, sometimes I’m very defensive about it, but she still gives it to me, and it usually ends up she’s right. Uh, but then I have a girlfriend that I also talk to about things and I don’t have to be worried about whether my mom’s thinking that I’m, you know, going beserk because I can’t pay my bills or whatever [laughing].

Interviewer: Okay.

Author: Uh. And then my parents babysit so that I have, if I need it, basically for time to myself to get back down to earth, and catch up on everything I’ve gotten behind on at home because I can’t go out the house because the kids making all the noise.

Interviewer: Uh, so you’d say you get quite a bit of support from, uh, your mother as far as parenting?

Author: Uh, yeah, my mother and my dad is great. Now my dad is retired now so he has been my, you know, he calls me…[inaudible] everyday and still does, which he kinda did before, but more so now. He is always saying, 'Is there anything I can do for you? Do you want me to come down and get your bill and run it to town?' But you know, I have ADD and I do suffer from depression, and have for a long time, but I still don’t like to ask for help, in that kind of way.

Interviewer: Would you say that compared to two years ago that supporting your household today is harder, uh, much harder, harder, unchanged, easier, or much easier?

Author: [pause] It’s slightly easier, so I mean, yeah.

Interviewer: Okay.

Author: Uh, because before back there in the very beginning I was so depressed I felt like I weighed 500 pounds every time I tried to get up. You know, and now I am able to get up and least get the kids, you know, out of the house and stuff and have a pretty much, well, a heck of a lot better day than I had in the very beginning.

Interviewer: Okay. So you think that compared to two years ago, it’s a little easier for you?

Author: Yeah.

Compared to two years ago, supporting my household today is easier.

Interviewer: Okay. We’ll go on to the next question, and this is about child well-being. How are your children doing in terms of their physical health, their safety, and their academics and behavior in school?

Author: Okay. Uh, my children’s physical health—Christopher of course has ADD. He is on Ritalin. It is the second medication we’ve tried and I’m thinking we need to try a third. He really doesn’t have any physical illnesses, or I think are, except for bumps and scratches and stuff like that. He complains about [pain] a lot, but I personally believe, or I know that he fakes it. And he does it for attention. Um, my home is safe. There’s not one window or door in the place that won’t lock. My community is safe. The children know what their boundaries are, and they know where they are allowed and where they are not. And uh, uh, my oldest, Christopher, of course mention the ADD again—he has problems with academic performance because quite frankly the special services in our city are not what they could be. Uh, he comes home feeling bad about himself, and when I dig the reason for this out of him, it’s because for the way he felt the way he was talked to or treated by a teacher. Uh, and his behavior basically, he seems at most points lately mad at the world, mad at life and that’s because of the divorce between me and his dad and because he has ADD, basically. And he is forever, like I am, frustrated with himself for not being able to get everything done like everybody else. Uh, comparing two years ago, the well-being of my children, they are far more understanding now that what I’ve been through is not, hopefully, going to continue forever. They’ve seen me go through some really hard times. Their general well-being is much better now.

Interviewer: Um, and as far as their behavior in school, how would you describe—

Author: Uh, Alex is a straight 'A/S' [satisfactory] student depending on what subject it is. He’s in the third grade, uh second grade. Excuse me. Uh, he makes 100’s on most everything. Uh, he seems to feel real proud of himself for that, which I think he should. Christopher’s performance at school—. Okay. Christopher’s behavior basically—it’s a day-to-day thing, sort of like mine—how his day starts out might affect his behavior, whether or not he’s forgotten to take his medication or not, which is Ritalin, whether he’s 'shoulding' somebody is his own head, I don’t know—yeah, he has good days and bad days. And he basically thinks that everyone at school is against him, and I have to constantly say, 'This is their job.' Well, but anyway, the well-being of my children is much better.

Compared to two years ago, the general well-being of my children is much better.

Interviewer: Okay. We’ll go on to the next question, which on basic needs. How well is your household meeting its basic needs? Describe the things that affect your family’s ability to meet its basic needs, including adequacy of earning income, public benefits, and help with basic needs that other people may provide.

Author: Um, it is my personal feeling, and because I don’t really work from a budget, it is my personal feeling that we have given up a lot as far as the quality of, say our food, but they still have the proper ingredients for our health. Uh, you know it seems like every time I turn around there’s something coming up, something that needs to be done to the car, or there’s taxes due, or a house payment, or basically all of that. I do get an earned income credit, though I’m not exactly sure of the amount I got. I haven’t received it yet. So, uh, public benefits that I take advantage of are—the Tenncare [health coverage] and food stamps. I have applied for my social security, but have not received any to date. As far as food, excuse me, clothing goes, the father does occasionally help. His mother, who passed away just a few days ago was really good for providing the children shoes. Um, my house payment is very low compared to what else, you know, any place I’d move. So, where I’m at is really the place I need to stay. Uh, medical care—I have problems with those bills because my husband [ex-husband] has I believe Blue Cross/Blue Shield, and they want his insurance to pay first, which means I have a co-pay. And, so I know that if my children get sick, that’s going to be another time when things change as far as my budget goes.

Interviewer: So that could be something that interferes with making ends meet—a co-pay on insurance?

Author: Yeah, or a problem with the car, or you know, one of my children getting hurt; all kinds of things. I use coupons and store specials as often as possible, though I do not get a newspaper because I chose that to be one of the things gave up because I couldn’t afford it.

Interviewer: Compared to two years ago, would you say that your family’s ability to meet it’s basic needs would be much worse, worse, unchanged, better, or much better?

Author: Unchanged.

Interviewer: Okay. So, you think that compared now to two years ago that things aren’t different for you?

Author: Well, now I really can’t say 'unchanged' because I’m getting the support now that I wasn’t before.

Interviewer: By support you mean Families First?

Author: I mean Families First—$185 a month. If I didn’t have that, I could not make ends meet. So, basically, I am doing much better. That would be a more accurate answer for that.

Compared to two years ago, my family’s ability to meet its basic needs is much better.

Interviewer: Okay. We’ll go on to the next section, on housing. How well is your housing meeting your family’s needs? Describe how well it fits the size of your family, its physical condition, the safety of the neighborhood, and how convenient it is for work, school, child care or for visiting relatives.

Author: Okay. Um, my home is, I believe, the perfect size for myself and both my sons. The boys each have their own room, as do I. There’s a bathroom in my room, uh, which is good for me because that’s my time-out room, where if I can’t take it anymore, I can go sit down and look out the window and think of other things. Uh, the physical condition of the house is good. My ex-husband, who has been gone for a year, was a carpenter and I’m learning now just exactly how much he did do around the house. But, it is in good condition, and I am going to keep it that way. The safety of my neighborhood—I don’t worry about, as long as the children follow the rules as to how far they can go in each direction, to whose house they can go to. As far as work, I don’t work per se right now. But, the last job I had, it took me 15 minutes to get to work. The school is 10 minutes away, uh, and most of my relatives are on the other side of town. You know, which I would say is maybe 10 miles at the most. Um, and, so basically the housing, um, is unchanged, I would say.

Interviewer: So have you lived in that same house for the past two years?

Author: Yes. Yes.

Compared to two years ago, supporting my housing is unchanged.

Interviewer: Okay. We’ll go on to the next question then. This is in regards to emotional well-being. What feelings have you been experiencing the most lately? Describe how this influences your work and parenting, and whether you have sought help for any of these feelings.

Author: Um, to start off with, I do have Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, Inattentive type, which means that sometimes I put my mixer in the refrigerator. And going along with that, and possibly because of that, I didn’t find out I had ADD until I was 38 years old, and now I’m 40. That is probably a big factor in the depression that I’ve had since I was a child. I always knew I needed time to my self. My mother had a place in the closet in my bedroom where I, and only I, could go just to get away from all the noise and things going on around. I have emotional ups and downs. I’m told I’m unusual because I can laugh and cry in the same sentence. And that’s something I’ve been doing all my life, but maybe not to this degree. Um, um, most recently I’ve been feeling extremely overwhelmed because of bills I have. Uh, my car, which was worth $4500 a week ago, is now not worth a thin dime, unless I can get me a motor somehow. Um, my parenting is—as I think with most parents—it goes along with how I feel. You know, whether I sometimes I don’t give them enough attention, sometimes I give them so much attention they tell me I’m silly and they come up with these 'funny little things you do.' And basically, um, the people who save me from myself are Dr. Dennis Spjut, a psychologist who I see, or try to see, on a weekly basis, but I’ve had problems the last few months because of the holidays. And also Beth Barnard from Human Services, who has not only become my friend, but has been very resourceful overall—a place to help me help myself. And then of course, my family and my friends. I also have especially one girlfriend that I can call and say, 'I can’t. I’m just totally overwhelmed. I can’t do this.' And she is to the point—she is a real strong person—she could drop everything and come running. If I want her to, put my kids to bed. But, that hasn’t had to happen in quite some time. When I was first on Families First, there were times when my mom and dad would come when the kids got off the bus and stay with them and supervise them until bedtime, at which time they would come get me out of bed, where the only place I wanted or felt like being, so that I could get up and give the boys a good-night kiss and tell them I loved them. That went on for a week to 10 days. Um, I hope I never have to go back there again. But, my emotional well-being now compared to two years ago—I’ve had a lot of therapy—my mind’s in a better place, and therefore my emotions are. But, like I said, I still have emotional ups and downs. Some days I think, you know, rock the world, and the next day I think the world would be a much better place without me. And I can tell myself during those times that this is a temporary emotional feeling caused by brain chemicals and it’ll go away. You know, that’s one of my biggest saving graces is knowing that. [laughs] So, yes, my emotional well-being is better now that it’s had its ups and downs for the entire time since I started.

Interviewer: Okay. Can we go back for just a second and can you describe how being diagnosed with ADHD and depression affects your ability to work?

Author: How being diagnosed affects my ability? Okay, I see what you mean.

Interviewer: Well, how having those feelings associated with ADHD and depression—how does that affect your—

Author: I need a place—if I want a perfect place to work, it would have to be my own little place where I was not distracted by noise or movement. If I try to do more than two things at a time—most time more than one thing at a time—it’s like I become overwhelmed. My brain shuts down and I want to run and hide. I don’t think that would be the best way to be acting in a place of business. And knowing that, I would go into this job already having problems with ADD and depression, and I think I would not be good right now to work. I can’t hardly depend on myself, much less—I’m saying I could hardly be—help myself, much less work.

Interviewer: Okay, so I think what you’re saying is that with all the frustration and ups and downs, you would find it very difficult to find a place that would be suitable for you to work?

Author: If I have a doctor’s appointment in three days, it worries me today. Uh, uh, if I have more than one plan—more than one thing I need to do a day—I am overwhelmed until I do a little therapy on myself and get out my pad and my paper, and start making a list of priorities, things to do and—I’m sorry I forgot how I started out that sentence.

Interviewer: We were talking about how the ups and downs—

Author: And the amount of noise, and the—

Interviewer: Kind of—I think what we were talking about though—how the feelings that come along with ADHD and depression—the ups and downs, the being easily frustrated—how that would be hard for you to find a place that would be suitable for you to work.

Author: I can’t go to the grocery store at any hour, okay. I pick the times when I know the grocery store is going to be the least filled with people because I don’t like to wait and have actually started taking something with me in my purse to do in the grocery line. Uh, but I do not feel worthy of having a job, where I’m going to let somebody down.

Interviewer: Okay. So, you don’t feel like that you’re in an emotional—

Author: Absolutely not. There would be too much outside interference—visual, audio, uh, you know, the thoughts in my head that I’m still trying to control that say, you know, 'How am I going to do this? How am I going to make this work?'

Interviewer: So you don’t feel like you’re in a place emotionally to be successful in a workplace?

Author: No. Absolutely not. I’m afraid right now to tell somebody I’ll do something in two days because I don’t know how I’m going to feel in two days. And I don’t know how to control how I’ll [gonna] feel in two days.

Compared to two years ago, supporting my emotional well-being is better.

Interviewer: Okay. We’ll go on to the next section, on employment. Tell us about your last job. Describe the type of job and whether the wages, benefits, and hours were sufficient. And what kinds of training or advancement opportunities there were, if any.

Author: My last job has been over two years ago, approximately. At that time, I was married, and it was not a great marriage, obviously, because we’ve gotten divorced. But, I had someone to take care of the kids, so that wasn’t a stress. And, people with ADHD have a tendency to be—seem or be—actually hyperactive, and at first when I got the job—which was answering telephones for an answering service—it was a constant challenge of doing everything. I love being able to do things, to be doing four or five things at a time, but it doesn’t happen for me very much. And so, when I first got the job and it was a new thing everyday, I was able to handle it well. But, the longer I worker there, which was for a total of about a year, things got worse and worse and may even have had some—I’m sure it had some—part in my breakdown, you know, at the very beginning of the Families First program. Uh, the wages were good. The benefits were non-existent as far as insurance or anything. (But I did work for). It did have some fringe benefits, such as the fact that the man who owns the answering service also owns a car—he makes keys for cars if you lock out the keys. And I’m one [of] these people who does that a lot. So, that’s one of the benefits. The hours were enough when I was married as far as, you know, money goes. It probably wouldn’t be now. Um, there weren’t really no advancement opportunities, other than the fact that the—it would be good for me as a mom, if I do someday go back to work, perhaps I could work a day shift, if I were working now, which I’m not. But, uh, I would like to think that some day in the future that might work out. I have—they know of course about my problem, and they do occasionally call me to see if I would work a 4-hour shift because somebody died or whatever. I usually tell them 'no' because I really don’t think I could do them a good job. Uh, and, since I don’t have a job now, I really can’t compare the wages and benefits. Back then, I thought they were good.

Interviewer: Would you say you received any kind of special training?

Author: Well, I became more comfortable on the computer. My horizons as far as knowledge of computers have widened. Uh, and, uh, I did have a little bit of schooling while I was working there too. If I was working the evening or graveyard shift there was always a really slow time and I could actually use that computer to figure things out about my schooling.

Compared to two years ago, the wage and benefits of the job I have now are: scale does not apply.

Interviewer: Okay. We’ll go on to the next question. And this question is in regards to Family Services Counseling only. What, if anything, has changed for you as a result of your involvement with the Family Services Counseling program? You can talk about any area of your daily life, but some things to consider—the way you run your household, children’s behavior, how you handle your basic needs, your housing situation, the way your feel or how you’re doing personally, or your job situation. I think what we’re kind of asking here—how have any of these changed or any area of your daily life—can you see a change as a result of involvement with Family Services Counseling program?

Author: Yes, I can, basically because I beat myself up in my own head because things don’t go right, and I can give Beth Barnard a call at Human Services in Hamblen County, and, or there’s several other people I can call now that I didn’t—I wasn’t in the emotional place to call before. In other words, I can ask for help now. But, I don’t have to ask as often. Now, my mother used to come down and help me with my housework, but she doesn’t have to do that anymore. My children’s behavior, uh, I really haven’t seen all that big a change in their behavior, other than the fact, you know, they like—they’re not real happy when we don’t have money to go out and buy, you know, a big toy every time we go to Wal-Mart, but they’ve gotten to the point now where they’re not asking. Uh, I am—sort of basic needs—now I’m assuming that means—

Interviewer: Basic needs would kind of be like what we first talked about—kind of how you run your household on a day-to-day basis, financially, emotionally.

Author: Um, I’m much more independent as far as meeting my basic needs and figuring out ways to make ends meet. In the beginning of Family Services Counseling, I couldn’t even think about that. Um, my housing situation—now, this is kind of a mental thing, but at first when I got my divorce, and I was having what they used to call a 'mental breakdown,' uh, I wanted out of that house. I thought it was my cage and I wanted out. And now, you couldn’t get me out [laughs]. Personally, I get mad at myself all the time because I feel like I’m doing stupid things—'Why’d I do that? That doesn’t go there.' But, where I used to, in the very beginning, that’s as far as I got. Now I’m learning to do therapy on myself and say, you know, the way I think is going to affect the way I feel. And, so I can, most times, at least elevate to some degree how good I feel. Then there are days, uh, maybe once a week or once every 10 days, I get up and I absolutely cannot get a thing done. I lose time. I would sit and stare at something, or you know, I’m trying to do something else and I’ll end up starring off in space, and can’t get a thing done. Uh, let’s see. My job situation—of course, I have no job, so, would that be—I feel good enough about myself now compared to the way I did at the beginning, that I do believe that some day that I will be able to handle a job again. And I am working hard by going to my psychologist and my psychiatrist, and my Human Services counselor [Family Services Counselor], and getting help from my friends.

Interviewer: Okay. I think kind of overall what you’re saying is that you’re finding it easier to actually ask for help and that you’re seeing that there are resources available for you?

Author: Resources as far as for at this time, yes. Resources available to me at this time now, basically because I can’t go to work and make money anyway, and I couldn’t hold down a job because I’m not emotionally ready, uh, I’m sorry, I lost my train of thought again. Did I answer your question?

Interviewer: I think you did. Kind of looking at an overall, kind of where you were when we first started meeting and kind of where you are overall right now—

Author: Okay, when we first started meeting, I had absolutely—I was so depressed, that all I cared about was not whether I could pay my bills or whether the kids and I were going to be okay. Now, I want to pay my bills, okay. So, I have hope now, where I didn’t have any hope before. I could see no hope. I now know that the Lord and hopefully the government is going to help me out when I’m in need. Did I answer the question?

Interviewer: I think you did. That was the last question. Kind of thinking about what we’ve been asking and what we’ve been talking about, do you have any last comments or anything that you’d like to add?

Author: Uh, yes. First of all, I’d like to say that I’m sorry I can’t keep up with my own thoughts sometimes. It’s one of those things about ADD that makes me mad at myself. Uh, also something that I’m very concerned about is that when I first started Family Services Counseling, with everything that they do down here [Department of Human Services]—hang on one second while I get my—okay—I’m concerned that I understand [President] George Bush wants to take the work component of going to school, which is the reason that I had hope, when I realized that option [school] was available somewhere around halfway between then and now. And now that I find out that that may change, quite honestly, I don’t see quite as much hope as I did.

Interviewer: Okay, so you kind of feel like that education—

Author: That’s what gives people hope.

Interviewer: Being able to get out of the situation or to improve your situation—

Author: Exactly.

Interviewer: You kind of feel let down? Or—

Author: I thought that because of—basically I don’t like who I am right now because of this ADD and this depression, I thought that if I had more education, I’d feel better about myself, and my job market would broaden.

Interviewer: Do you have anything else to add as far as an overall picture of yourself, or any other questions or comments you have about the topics we’ve been talking about?

Author: I do not think so.

Interviewer: Okay. We thank you for your participation in doing this research and we’ll conclude with that.

Your community or neighborhood of residence: Morristown

Gender: Female

Last year of school completed: 12th grade

GED: No

Race: White

Ethnicity: German/Irish

Does your partner, spouse or co-parent live in the household: No

Do you currently receive any cash public benefits (TANF): Yes

Manner in which story was originally given: tape recorded